The Scars On My Hands

Im outside with a cig in my hand

looking at the stars reminding me of the scars on my hand 

now listening to my jam I dont know what to think

dont know how to rank this ever going earth quake

I have been throw so much now and at a young age

dont know where to start guess ill start at the first page

My dad was in jail 

and my life was in hell 

but I didnt know I was just a kid

This is how I grew up and this is what I did

I grew up not knowing my dad at least for a wile

then he came home and i started to smile

at least for a wile 

then things got bad 

the dad that I had was asshole a jerk

he would forever make me work for his affection

I remember this one time when I was 5

This is when the tension would really start to rise 

something was in my bed and I was scared

so I ran to him "Daddy im scared !!"

"of what !!" with an angry voice

"A spider in my bed !!"

"Go back to bed" he said

"And you better not come out, or else you'll really start to shout."

so I went back to bed tear still streaming

not from the spider but from the screaming

I lay back in bed with my brother in the room

he was in his bed and said "you better not say a peep"

so I lay back down and i started to sniff 

then I burst out cryin

I had felt it again 

My brother yells out "Dad Jordy wont stop cryin !!"

 "Damn it Son !! Come back out here again !!"

I was slow to rise with all the tears in my eyes 

I knew my life was over

When I got back out he started to yell and shout

"What the hell !! And your crying your eyes out !! 

come hear bend over." He said as he grabbed me by my shoulders

"Now listen. What the Fuck you crying about !!"

I really started to cry then

my shoulders hurt

my spirit shattered 

from the word he had splert

my dad was a jerk

This was the first time and the only 

time he had seen how i felt

this was just the beginning 

much more worse then this would start happening 

as I grew older I wanted to gain his approval

so I did try and I did cry from his removal

my parents split 

I remember the words that made me feel like shit

"I'm leaving son. . . bye"

 that was it

I watched him leave and I was cryin

as my heart was diein

I was lost for a long time

things didnt get better

My brother was sick 

diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenic

He treated me like shit 

and I was thrown into a pit 

one where I would sit 

My mom said "son just tip tow around him"

I said "No mom Im a fighter. 

Not some Pansie delight-er."

so I treated him like a normal kid 

I didnt know he would try and stab a knife in my skin

He hated me and wished I would die

he tried to make the happen and this aint no lie

This guy I called my brother 

and protected by my mother 

tired to kill me 

one day I was done

done with his drugs and his lame excuses

my mom fought his battles and I was always loosin

The one day I had all I could have

he attacked me and I fought back

I beat his ass and called the cops 

my mom sent me to jail 

even though he had assaulted a miner 

this was bull shit 

He hit me first and I did curse

I tried to run and tried to disperse

but this curse of a brother had mid my hole life hurt

So I went to jail for 2 days 

got out and on probation 

after that was up 

this shit only got worse

it had happened again he wanted to fight

I tried to take flight 

but that didn't happen

for he was talkin bout how he'd  kill me

they he tried about to jump up and beat me

he had all ready beat me five times with his fist 

I thought this was real 

you feel me

so I pulled out a gun and said 

"now get out of my room."

he said "you going to shoot me ??"

I said "No. now get out of my room."

he started to go so I lowered the gun

I looked down 

then looked up 

then he tackled me and my mom to the ground 

It was loud and he was biting at my neck 

 and I was thinking about the retrospect 

how did this happen 

"O shit !! I cant breathe"

I said as my brother choked me out 

I slid the gun out 

out of my room 

he got off me thank God 

finally I can breathe

I look up as I'm fading in and out

a gun in my face and its at my head 

I could not hear a thing and I rose to my feat 

it was all silents all I could hear was my heart beat

every time it beat I felt a bullet in my chest

that's it that's all

all that I did know 

I was shot but I would not drop 

then my brother did go 

after my mom yelled "No !!"

I didn't hear her

but I could read her lips 

and see my brothers spit from all the shouting

he left the room and so did mom

I was still standing there feeling the bullets in my chest

my hearing came back and I heard 

"Im going to shoot my self !!" 

my brother said coming from his own mouth

mom said "No Rio dont do that!!"

Still standing in my same old spot that I was shot

I looked down there was no holes in my chest 

just one hole in my soul

I could have died but I survived

with just a hole in my souls 

to this day Im still depressed 

knowing that he would try and shoot me

I ran out the house

got in my car and drove but not to far 

I was waiting to hear a gun shot 

I started to cry first time in years 

I was fearing for my life and from all the strife 

so I pulled out my phone I had to call for help 

but in all this disarray I didnt know who could help

my dads number popped up when I unlocked it

thats its all call dad my be he could stop it 

so I gathered my self wile it was ringing 

I could not have him hear me crying 

I held my breath in side my chest 

"Whats up bud ??" My dad said 

Then I started crying

he could not under stand me 

"just calm down. what happend !?"

and then i told him what had happend

"come over son and be safe."

"Okay dad." I said 

A 15 minute drive turned in to 5

I was there and still scared 

so I called mom

"Hello Mom ??" I said in a hurry 

"No, this is a officer son"

"is my mom there is she is good care ??"

"yes boy everything is fine over here. 

come back to the house and fill out your written statement."

"Is rio still their ??"

"yes. now come on over."

"no, no way im going if he is their. 

he'll shoot me !! no way im going over their."

I had to go back or things would get worse 

so I told my dad my and i started to curse

the whole way home thinking about whats was to come 

where I would go and or if I should run

I went back

and started to write how this all went down 

every breath every word 

and every thing that I heard 

when I was done I was arrested 

for a felony offense

Put in a solitary box 

saw no one or nothing for 9 days

every night I got one phone call 

all I could call was my mom 

I forgot my dads cell number 

she only answered it once

"hello ??" she said 

"hey mom, its Jordy"

thats all she would say 

the rest of the phone call was all a waist

she never picked up my calls for then on out 

she new the number from then

and never picked up again 

I remembered my dad number 5 days in 

He said he would come see me 

but he didnt know when

he would come out to see me and its made me almost cry

and I knew exactly why

12 days in jail I had seen my dad twice 

never heard from my mom 

Its okay I knew she had no advice 

she had her favored son 

the one she desired

thing started looking bad for her 

because she had not come to see me

like a good mother would 

so she came as soon as she could

she came just to say she came 

so she could save her skin like she thought she should

on the 19th morning

  I was let out to go 

and with one of my best friends families 

but little did i know that I would lose a friend 

his name was chris brown 

he hanged himself and shocked the whole town

from then on I was depressed 

and I could not express 

 what was building up in side

this think turned in to anger 

and rage but I kept it 

and tried to hide it 

I was an empty shell 

and turn my life at that house into hell 

I moved out 

back to my grandmothers

I had been there before

my mom left me there for 3 months 

never heard from her 

or nothen 

now I was back 

where I had once been abandon

and here I still sit and look at all this shit 

the retrospect of the scars on my hands 

The tears I have cried
and the friends I have had

Unreplacable

When something is taken away from you that you cant replace, like an arm or a leg, Its hard to move on. Somethings you can not live with out like a heart and others you can live with out but change the way you live and go on with life. for me this was my friend.

When my friend Chris died (9/23/10) I was lost and did not believe what I was hearing. I did not believe that he was dead tell I saw his casket getting lowered into the ground. A flag was folded, amazing grace was played, and tears streamed down my face as I tried to hold them back. I had lost my Marine.

Me and Chris had planed to join the Marines together. I remember we always walked out and left math class. We didn't like the fact that we had to sit in class looking at numbers and things so we would skip and go to what we called "our office".

"Our office" was a picnic table that was on the back playground. We would go there to talk and just get away from school. We would talk about life and all that we had to deal with.

I miss you Chris. Just looking back.

I can see it in your eyes

I see the way you see me with your smart ass attitude

your beady little eyes are being fucking crude

do you think I cant see past it

Past the glamor and the lies

Let me tell you something girl

I can see it in your eyes

The portal to the soul

The gateway to your heart

I can read you like a book

so you better play it smart

I dont even want to hear it

your excuses so just quit

Now your little game is over

Better stop with all your shit

How Far ??

The sun is high, but my heart is low

when troubled thoughts pack in like snow.

Its hard to see how far I've come

when I don't know how long I've run.

The Day is nice with wind slowly flowing,

I'm smoking my cig and constantly blowing.

The smoke it helps, but not for long.

The embers now out I most move on. 

Back to life and back to my run.

It will soon be time to say bye to the sun.

It was nice when it was out

and nice to fell its warm loud shout.

Hope all goes well for the ones in the race.

I just hope that I can keep my own pace.

The Cure

The Cure is more than just a band from the 1970's, the cure is what will relieve you from what ever pain, hardship, or uncomfortable situation your going through. It's that one pain killer that we need to breathe easy. I don't know about you, but I could use some of that cure right now.

For most people and most problems, a solution or cure is only a temporary thing. Most people that suffer from a hard day at work see smoking as a way to cope with stress. People that are crazy about that next big rush turn to thrill seeking and may become dare devils. Others turn to religion and believe in a spiritual peace. All of these work in some way or another depending on what you are trying to get away from.

What is my cure? My cure is to Just Breathe.

Music In The Mind

Music is one of the best things in life, it can also be one of the worst. This is coming from a 17 year old male that has been thrown in to the ever growing musical world. At the age of 2, I was banging on my favorite little piano. I remember my mom always blasting her 45's and records on are old school turn table. I grew up on the following: The Green Grass Roots, The Who, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Kool & The Gang, Neil Young, Peter Gabriel, Sting, Three Dogs Night, Todd Rundgren, Van Morrison, Hall & Oates, David Bowie, Dan Fogelberg, The Birds, and much more. Growing up in the 90's also had its musical impact on me, so did growing up with 3 older brothers and 1 older sister.

 I soon started playing piano followed by guitar, harmonica, percussion, drums, bass, and ukulele. I have played and sung in bands every time finding that the hardest part of the the picture above is the the pen to paper part. It's that can make or break an artist's (Rebeca Black's) reputation. I have never put any lyrics to a song that I have produced and played it live for anyone. That's because I am a Private kind of person when it comes to my art. The best thing about music is that no matter what you are going through in life there is a song to back it up. It's inspirational and ever changing.